It is fascinating to be alone at this level. I’ve been reduced to a handful of souls that know anything about me. I’ve worked at it for decades now and have unearthed new frontiers. The majority of my time is spent in conversation with gods and elementals.
The loneliness at hand is not so much the lack of physical companionship, though that has been extremely minimized, it is the lack of caring eyes.
I believe this level of expertise has been achieved only by being half here in the first place. Existing on situational/transactional relationships, and rarely revealing myself in full.
The violent nature of the dominant culture has always challenged my willingness to be myself around others. To be judged as too effeminate, too delicate, emotional, empathic, non-competitive, uptight.
So very few have ever known me in the first place. Only a few have known me throughout my life. People know me in sections, in geographies, a year here, five there, two years here and so on.
When I left one town I was typically so broken that no one there would talk to me. Booze, drugs and sex. There are hard breaks between lovers and groups of fiends and what I allowed some of them to see.
Now that I have deleted social media I am beginning to see how the surrogate virtual friends pushed me further in to a false sense of community, and made it possible to distance myself accordingly. Now that I’m no more, they are no more and the surrogate bubble has bursted. I am alone even more again.